To Kid or not to Kid

I never thought that I would actually ask myself one day if I wanted to have kids. If you know me back when, you probably would assume that by this time, I already have a family. A kid. Okay, kids. Heck I thought I would. But no. It didn't happen. And I think that's okay.

At this time, I think I've surpassed the When are you getting married type questions, I mean finally! But, what I didn't anticipate is that at my age (the glamorous age of 38) almost everyone in my life is bound to ask me one way or the other the next million dollar question - Do you have kids? Or When are you having kids? 

It's a whole new ball game my friends.

Now what boggles me is that when I'm asked about it, I don't know what to say. Or that I'm afraid they won't like or understand my choice. You see, I'm gearing towards the I don't want kids answer. For a lot of reasons.

First and probably the biggest one - kids aren’t for me. Yes I know I’ll be a great mom and yes I know (from dear friends who always remind me) that if it’s MY kid I’ll be feeling differently. God honest truth I’m not great with kids. I don’t know how to talk to them except in an adult-kind of way. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t talk to them like I would talk to my boss during a presentation but I just don’t know how to communicate with a child in a Mom kind of way. I just don’t. I’m awkward around kids. My closest friends for sure have noticed that.

Second, I have an inkling fear borderline phobia about being responsible for a young precious life. I feel such powerful pressure of making sure they grow up responsible and kind and loving. I’m afraid that I would be so protective of this child to point of that said child will hate me for it. I feel that once I become a parent, I will be a neurotic mom who shields my child from anything that will bring them sadness, hurt and pain and... dirt. Now tell me, that’s not right, RIGHT?

This will sound so selfish, but I also am so scared of going through what parents go through when their child is sick or sad or been in an accident. My heart is so weak that I know I’d die first before my child. I remember when my 2 year old nephew had a seizure because his temperature got so high (104F) and I saw firsthand what had happen to him. It’s hard not to shed a tear while writing this as I recall what happened that night. Instead of helping my sister in law in getting cold water or ice I just broke down on my knees and cried- hysterically mind you. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I made the situation worse.

And lastly, it means money. I apologize if I sound insensitive, but let's be real. Having kids equate to money- which we don't have right now. I mean I do of course but I don’t have enough to give my child a comfortable life. That’s another thing, for me- if God gives us a child I will love that kid with all of me but I will see to it that he/she will have a nice life; even if it kills me. This is unfortunately, something that I can’t promise at the moment.

Now you may say well, you will figure it out. That’s the thing- I have figured it out and I know for a fact that having kids is not something I’m interested in having. It’s simply not my choice. I wish people in my life will understand my decision. It’s a hard one to accept that’s for sure especially that society dictated many, many moons ago that women SHOULD have children. I also hope in the future that I’ll be able to tell others MY choice and not feel scared about what society will say.

35-Somethings

Grade school. How was yours? Mine was okay. It was...normal. It wasn't mundane. I had the same classmates from 3rd grade till the 6th grade. You can say that we technically grew up together. And we did. We are all blessed to have found lifetime friends in this bunch.

Would you believe that up to this time my grade school classmates and I are still communicating? Yes sir! We are still connected and it's awesome! Well, we thank Facebook for this wonderful opportunity of staying connected after all these years. True, there were years of gap from when we all graduated the 6th grade till when Facebook was created but nevertheless we found each other again and here we are.

It's so nice to talk to people who basically knew you since you weren't old enough to own a cellphone or young enough to play super hyper active games after school hours while waiting for the bus driver. It's also nice to know that you are not the only 35-something human being still trying to figure what you can offer this lifetime.

I love how my Facebook messanger explodes of messages I had to back read to catch up with my peeps from the other side of the world and chime in on whatever topic they're yapping about. Usually it's family life, careers or the lack thereof, where on earth is what's his face, when's the next reunion, beer or hard drinks - but my favorite topic of all are the memories. Everybody gets a good laugh out of it. The silliness and absurdity of our childhood. Oh it's the best!

Talking (or chatting) with them makes me happy is because I never feel our age. To me it feels like I am still talking to the same bozos of 1989. Like, we are still those younglings and we never really grew old. It's as if in that group chat, it's still 1990. I don't know but that's just me. But I'm sure they will all agree with me when I say that- in that group chat time stops and we get to leave the pressures of life and just for a few moments we are grade schoolers again.

Much love to 6-Star, 1994.

-T

A Welcomed Change

I appreciate technology.  Sure, it made me a wee bit lazy at some aspects in my life (Right, Alexa?), but over all it does some other great things to make our lives a little easier. The best thing technology has done for most of us and I'm pretty sure a lot of you will agree with me on this - it's communication. It definitely made communicating better, easier and live in living color.

Home sickness for people like me who moved on the other side of the world is a thing of the past. Well, okay fine we still feel home sick but it definitely lessen when my mom video calls me. All thanks to technology. Long distance relationships aren't that bad anymore because again - Face Time. Stuck in traffic and running a little late for that meeting? No problem! Get your smart phone, check your email for that Go To Meeting invite and voila.

It's true that technology may have ruin some parts of our daily lives but admit it or not, it did and it still is doing some pretty cool things too. I don't know about you but I'm embracing this welcomed change. If used wisely and with caution, we'll reap its advantages for the betterment of our limited existence.

So to Technology, thank you!

-T

Adjusted by the Bureau

Have you seen The Adjustment Bureau? You probably have. I mean it's a movie from 2011. I have just seen it. Today. Out of a whim, because I have a habit of flipping through all channels before settling for a show that I feel I like or have just started. Anyway, today while I was doing my thing with the TV before making breakfast I saw it on the SYFY channel and it was just starting- and let me tell you something, I kinda dig it. Plus, Emily Blunt is in it, so why not? Also, Falcon is there too, only skinnier.

What if there really is an Adjustment Bureau? What if there are people or machines who control our decisions and choices? Ones who basically controls our lives and where it goes or not go for that matter? If there is such a bureau, we cannot exercise our supposedly God given free will. 

I like what Falcon said at the end of the movie; we really don't care about how important free will is to us until it is threatened to be taken away from us. Or something to that effect. You get the idea right? I wonder what I would do if all of sudden my free will to choose whether to get a plain bagel or an everything bagel is taken away from me. What do I do if my free will to choose what I want to do with my life is taken from me, instead some bureau will alter my decisions to have their way and bring their plans to life, my life? Now granted I wouldn't know all these because the bureau acts outside afar from normal people, you know like in the movie? But what if I knew? What then? I'll probably fight them like what Matt Damon did. Plus, I can go through doors to random beautiful places in New York, free of charge? Uhm, yes please. 

It's easy to take for granted important aspects of our lives i.e free will. It's equally important to the air we breathe everyday. That's also why we, as humans need to protect it by not abusing it. In turn we must be grateful that we have it. But how to protect it? I've always believe in what my Pop tells me all the time when I'm about to inhale a tub of ice cream. All is good until you over do it. Everything can and should be done in moderation. Just like in practicing our free will. We must think and rethink what we do and what we decide on. Will it affect me? Will it affect the people around me? Is it good? Is it worth it? Actively ask yourselves these questions. Just because it's free we can run around abusing it. Obviously, I am not talking about little things like what movies to watch or which Game of Thrones character you like best. I'm talking about big important choices we are handed by God and humans. Look, all I'm saying is free will is a gift, let's pray it won't be taken away from us.

Oh and by the way, I thought I could never love the beautiful Ms. Emily Blunt more but this movie did it.

Have a super Saturday, ya'll.

-T

Game Of Thrones Fix

It's April. It's supposed to be Game of Thrones month. Unfortunately, like the rest of the world, we are painfully waiting for 2019 to watch it's bittersweet ending - not that I know exactly what will happen but GRRM isn't exactly a fan of in-the-end-it-will-all-work-out-everybody-happy type of writing. I'm actually both happy and sad it is ending in season 8. Happy that it is ending while still a lot of people love the show and let's face it they are still on top of their game and sad, well, for obvious reasons. For me, it it really is one the best shows of my life time. This is a show I am going to brag about to my children and grand children. 

I started watching Game of Thrones while season 3 is playing. I got hooked after learning that Cersei and Jaime are nurturing an unconventional and dysfunctional love relationship and that Bran fell. I told myself after that episode, whoa. It's like a soap for the medieval times! I loved that there are so many characters to love, hate and love and hate. I was never confused although I have to admit I haven't read all the books yet. I intend to, probably after the show is over. 

It's also a show where I enjoy researching and in turn learning about the nooks and crannies of each timeline and character. I love how it is a conversation starter. It's also a subject for friendly debates. It has an immersed community and a very invested fandom that it made them cry when the MF wall, the wall, finally descends in the hands of zombie Viserion. 

But it won't be back until next year so, all we can do is rewatch everything from season 1. I get my fix through watching the casts' interviews and Comic Con appearances. Subscribe and watch a couple of GoT You Tube channels here and there with the likes of Comicbookgirl19 or Emergency Awesome. Watch and rewatch all the Leslie Jones' Game of Jones on the Late Night with Seth Meyers tv show. 

Hang on tight, we still have 8 months or so to go. 

-T

A Closeted Swiftie

Do you secretly like Taylor Swift? I know I do.

I follow her on Instagram and Spotify. I listen to her songs going to and from work. I memorized 22 because it's catchy and is always on. I secretly watched all her Reputation music videos including the second Delicate video on Spotify. Just like the rest of the world, I too look for easter eggs and clues on her videos. I especially like to watch some of her fans' reaction to every music video she releases. I agree on some level that she is a fantastic lyricist. I admire how she plays with words and build very modern metaphors in her songs. I sing along like a fool to Blank Space and Clean. I've never been to any of her shows although I do watch some of it on You Tube. I like the acoustic version of her 1989 songs because it shows that she can really sing and I mean beautifully sing with matching mad guitar and piano playing skills. I love her idea of having secret sessions for her fans - the Swifties, because it shows how she much she loves them It humanizes her.

I'm actually jealous of her and her accomplishments. At such a young age she doesn't struggle financially, she is extremely talented and beautiful and did I mention rich? Heck, she owns her own private plane and she's not even 30. At 36, I am still trying to figure everything out. Sure, she doesn't have a normal life and the most coveted privacy in the world of the rich and famous but you know what I mean? She doesn't have to stress about her future not like normal human beings like me. I know, jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing. But I'm pretty sure a lot can relate.

She worked hard, probably harder than we all know to get where she is now in her life and with that she deserves everything she gets. She is reaping all that she sowed all these years. I should be inspired by that instead of feeling a teeny ting pang of jealousy over this woman who gave us nothing but good music.

-T

Root Cause Analysis on Self Struggles

I've got half an hour to spare and I want to keep my writing momentum so here I am, writing once again.

A few hours earlier while walking to the supermarket, I have seen students, young girls coming home from school most probably and I can't help but notice how these middle schoolers or perhaps 7th or 8th graders are more preppy and fashionable than I am, effortlessly. Here I am frumpy as nuts, my hair on a messy bun, sweater, jeggings and sneakers. In short, I look like a potato.

I am not shaming myself or maybe I am but it's true though. I look like an Idaho potato. You see, I've gone through highschool and college believing I have my own sense of style- obviously that style isn't current. I've always been boyish so to speak until I met my gay bestfriend in 2003 who God bless him introduced me, wait no, made me dress like a young lady that I was back then. I started wearing other pieces of clothing like skirts and cute tops and pretty flat shoes. I could never wear high heels probably because I am fat and heavy but thats another blog post. Hehehe I haven't seen him in a while and with that I turned frumpy again.
I wish I am effortlessly fashionable too.

I know, I know I shouldn't bring myself down like this or why don't I do something about it and the whole nine yards. It's just that I am too lazy. As ugly as that sounds, I am lazy. Lazy to look pretty. Isn't that a thing? Probably not. I sometimes look myself in the mirror and find some spots and lines on my face that weren't there before and I get sad. Or stare at myself in glass windows on trains and tell my self- What happened to you? I should be putting more effort in making myself look pretty or at least presentable to the world. Why did I stopped caring?

Oh well, this is just one of the many self-struggles I face in my adult life. Funny thing is, I know in my mind what to do, the question is why don't I do it? I think I need some root cause analysis.