I never thought that I would actually ask myself one day if I wanted to have kids. If you know me back when, you probably would assume that by this time, I already have a family. A kid. Okay, kids. Heck I thought I would. But no. It didn't happen. And I think that's okay.
At this time, I think I've surpassed the When are you getting married type questions, I mean finally! But, what I didn't anticipate is that at my age (the glamorous age of 38) almost everyone in my life is bound to ask me one way or the other the next million dollar question - Do you have kids? Or When are you having kids?
It's a whole new ball game my friends.
Now what boggles me is that when I'm asked about it, I don't know what to say. Or that I'm afraid they won't like or understand my choice. You see, I'm gearing towards the I don't want kids answer. For a lot of reasons.
First and probably the biggest one - kids aren’t for me. Yes I know I’ll be a great mom and yes I know (from dear friends who always remind me) that if it’s MY kid I’ll be feeling differently. God honest truth I’m not great with kids. I don’t know how to talk to them except in an adult-kind of way. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t talk to them like I would talk to my boss during a presentation but I just don’t know how to communicate with a child in a Mom kind of way. I just don’t. I’m awkward around kids. My closest friends for sure have noticed that.
Second, I have an inkling fear borderline phobia about being responsible for a young precious life. I feel such powerful pressure of making sure they grow up responsible and kind and loving. I’m afraid that I would be so protective of this child to point of that said child will hate me for it. I feel that once I become a parent, I will be a neurotic mom who shields my child from anything that will bring them sadness, hurt and pain and... dirt. Now tell me, that’s not right, RIGHT?
This will sound so selfish, but I also am so scared of going through what parents go through when their child is sick or sad or been in an accident. My heart is so weak that I know I’d die first before my child. I remember when my 2 year old nephew had a seizure because his temperature got so high (104F) and I saw firsthand what had happen to him. It’s hard not to shed a tear while writing this as I recall what happened that night. Instead of helping my sister in law in getting cold water or ice I just broke down on my knees and cried- hysterically mind you. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I made the situation worse.
And lastly, it means money. I apologize if I sound insensitive, but let's be real. Having kids equate to money- which we don't have right now. I mean I do of course but I don’t have enough to give my child a comfortable life. That’s another thing, for me- if God gives us a child I will love that kid with all of me but I will see to it that he/she will have a nice life; even if it kills me. This is unfortunately, something that I can’t promise at the moment.
Now you may say well, you will figure it out. That’s the thing- I have figured it out and I know for a fact that having kids is not something I’m interested in having. It’s simply not my choice. I wish people in my life will understand my decision. It’s a hard one to accept that’s for sure especially that society dictated many, many moons ago that women SHOULD have children. I also hope in the future that I’ll be able to tell others MY choice and not feel scared about what society will say.
